Real is a fluid concept
by turn2stone
Summary: Meet- not- so- cute and consequences. Starring Darcy Lewis, Bucky Barnes, Jane Foster, Tony Stark and Peter Parker.
1. Chapter 1

Real is a fluid concept

 _Is reality fluid?_

 _When different people witness the same event and each recall it in a different way; neither of them is wrong regarding what they claim they saw._

The way she tells it:

He planted his face on her chest. So she was within her rights to plant her foot on his crotch, **hard**.

And if she had, maybe done her planting more than once- well he was a super soldier, with super nuts everything; he could take it.

In her defence; the recent bout of Jane's brilliance had her hitting empty on sleep and full in coffee.

She was so going to claim Workplace Sexual Harassment! And to think, everyone thought Stark was 'the dirty old man'.

The way he would probably tell it (once he stopped cupping his well abused jewels and concluded dribbling snot and tears onto the once pristine lab corridor):

He was blaming Parker! That boy was a menace! His presence had turned Stark into a 12 year old. He had been the unfortunate intentional victim of their recent tests for rapid dissolution of the Spider-brat's webbing.

That kid had it in for him; he was going to find that spider and squash him like a- No! he did NOT do that anymore. On days like these he really considered on breaking his vow.

Now he was left rolling on the floor; and thanks to the new improved webbing- the evidence had degenerated immediately after snagging him around the ankles (which had led to his current painful condition)- he was left without evidence of his innocence.

He wondered if he could claim Senior Citizen's Abuse. Or perhaps beg Steve to bar people below the legal drinking age from the facility.

He was not above begging- the woman's heels had spikes for crying out loud- OUCH!


	2. Chapter 2

"I really don't see the issue here Captain."

"Ma'am, your intern is th-"

"It's Doctor and Assistant, Captain."

Steve pinched his nose and took a deep breath. "Right. Sorry Doctor Foster. As I was saying your assistant was involved in an altercation with-"

"Hold it right there Captain. Why don't we call it as we see it? Your friend sexually assul-"

"He didn't," yelped Steve.

"Really dude? Was it a part of his charm from a bygone era then? Is that how people from your time greet each other?" peeking over Jane's shoulder, Darcy drawled in disbelieve. "Look Cap, I'm a modern woman and all but I do like to get to know a guy before he feels me up."

"He was doing nothing of that sort," protested Steve.

Jane snorted. "I call bullshit. He watches her continuously. I have seen him staring at Darcy on four separate occasions."

"You might need better arguments Cap. The Scientist has spoken- and Jane's world revolves around her work. If she noticed something other than science; you can bet your cute little ass it's legit!" Darcy proclaimed loyally.

Steve's face rapidly lost colour. While it was true that Bucky had found one Darcy Lewis fascinating, he had been uncharacteristically shy about talking to her. He had preferred to do what he had called long range reconnaissance instead. Sam had called it stalking and had clucked loudly and continually at him; until Bucky had bodily tossed him out of the apartment. Never had he imagined Bucky's well-kept secret was not so well- kept after all. Lost for words, he simply gawked at the two triumphant faces in front of him.

"I knew it! He WAS stalking you," Jane exclaimed. "You HAVE to send that Sexual Harassment Claim right now! Just add that bit about him stalking you and send it HR. Or maybe Hill."

"No!" horrified, Steve blurted out, "Bucky likes you. I- I mean, you captivate him. He thinks you are so interesting that he could watch you all day." Steve slapped his hand over his mouth before he could vomit out any more of Bucky's secrets.

"Huh? You know now I kinda wish I had tased him too," said Darcy thoughtfully.

"Please Miss Lewis, you already sent him to the medical wing," begged Steve.

"I did? Wow, this is so going into my Resume; right below: Tased Thor," Darcy exclaimed.

Steve nearly tore his hair out. He was getting nowhere. "You could have caused permanent damage," he nearly sobbed. He groped in his back pocket for his last ditch effort to make the ladies see sense, just to hear:

"Doubt it Captain, what with Super Soldiers and their 'balls of steel'. Maybe if he stops being a creep his bits might grow back," Jane dismissed him with an air of finality.

Steve grabbed the lull in their very frustrating conversation to shove his phone under their nose. "Just watch," he pleaded.

As the security footage from that fateful incident came to an end, both the women looked at each other in horror.

"You sure Super Soldier bits grow back Jane?" Darcy whispered.

"You could visit the medical wing and find out," Jane whispered back.

"Lend me your sneakers," Darcy said; as she toed off her shoes.

"What? Why?" Jane asked even as she slipped off her ratty, held up with threads and glue sneakers.

"I am not going to go discuss retribution with a man while carrying the very weapon that brought him down," Darcy stated in a matter of fact voice.

"Retribution? What do you mean?" Steve looked alarmed. He had hoped that the security footage would prove Bucky's innocence (which it did) and put a stop to the ladies vengeance (which he was not sure it did). Now he was watching Darcy shuffle her feet into Jane's shoes and stomp towards the exit.

Darcy stopped at the door, "Dude, right now Peter Parker and Tony Stark are on my shit list. I will hazard a guess that they are on Barnes' too. I'm gonna grab some ice cream and plot with your BFF on how to get back at the kid. Meanwhile you will help Jane plot against Stark."

With that she bowed out, leaving behind a gobsmacked Steve and a crackling Jane, "Welcome Captain Rogers to Mistress Jane's Payback Express."


	3. Chapter 3

The first time Bucky Barnes encountered Darcy Lewis, she saved his breakfast.

She had walked into the communal kitchen with her nose buried in her book while Steve was making trying his best not to destroy a simple meal of crepes.

Ever since he had gotten his autonomy back, Steve had decided that Bucky's palate needed to try all the deliciousness that the world had to offer. Bucky was so on-board that train; until he remembered Steve's abysmal cooking skills. By then it was too late; and he was back being the receptacle for Steve Roger's atrocious cooking.

So he did what he had always done: smiled and nodded as he inhaled the food too quickly to taste it; and as always Steve took it as a sign that Bucky had enjoyed whatever was put on his plate. Bucky was only glad that the super soldier serum was highly efficient against food poisoning.

That fateful day, Steve was hell bent on feeding him a cinnamon mountain with a bit of crepe garnish; when in she breezed. A woman so wrapped up in her own world; she didn't look up from her book as she had navigated her way through the kitchen- fixing herself a monster mug of coffee, before smoothly interrupting Steve's breakfast making attempt- "Feeding, not choking Hotshot!"

She then deftly scooped the crepes off the stove and onto a plate single handed; and slid it skilfully to stop in front of him. "Later, you adorable bunnies," she called out as she left behind a sheepish cook and a grateful patron. Those crepes had actually been edible for a change.

The next time he came face to face with Darcy Lewis- he had helpfully held open the elevator door as she had dragged a kicking and screaming woman in by her belt loops. She had tossed him a distracted smile for his efforts.

He was later to learn that the woman was her boss and things tended to get a bit heated up after 72 hours of science benders.

The next time he saw Darcy Lewis, she was demonstrating fellatio.

He had gone to look for Stark, and had found the man himself with Rhodes in the middle of a heated argument. He was all for breaking them up when he noticed Darcy Lewis nimbly perched on a table; eyes fixed on the spectacle while her lips and tongue were doing unmentionable things to a popsicle.

Things that one does behind closed doors, things that made him want what he had long forgotten. Seeing her cheeks hollowed out and dark red lips popped around that offending long piece of deliciousness; his mind went blank. He forgot why he was there in the first place. He fled and by the time he got back his bearings; he was all sweaty and with an elevated heart rate, standing under his shower: he turned the water to cold.

The next time, he heard of her from Hill and Natasha.

Apparently she was one of the people spearheading what was loosely called **The Normal Avengers**. On further enquiry, it turned out to be a website dedicated to the Avengers and their support staff doing normal mundane things.

He found a picture of Natasha hosing down Clint, Steve, and Sam after what looked like a rather rigorous football game. A picture of Bruce sleeping under a tree with a chipmunk that seemed to have decided to make a nest in his hair. A short video of the landscaping staff as they tried to replicate the Bifrost pattern on the back lawn. A picture of Hill and Stark playing cards with the members of the motor pool. To his surprise he found a few pictures of himself as well or rather just his legs and ass sticking out:

1\. Of the fridge as rummaged the fridge for a midnight snack.

2\. From under the hood of a jeep.

3\. From under the common room sofa as he tried to reach for a wayward knife.

He was surprised to feel his heart lighten with the inclusion of his pictures with everyone else. He wanted to thank her. He even made it as far as the lab till he saw her laughing with Dr. Foster and Thor. She seemed so vibrant and light that he could not bring it to interrupt her. So he left, promising that he would talk to her tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, he chickened out.

He had been avoiding any face to face interaction with her since then. But that didn't mean that he didn't know how she took her coffee (three sugars and a hint of milk and nutmeg), or what her Master's thesis was on (Political influences in the field of Science), or that her favourite band was called Queen (he had to admit she had good taste), or that she avoided eating meat on Tuesdays and dairy on Thursdays.

Oh dear, Sam had been right, his behaviour was in the stalking spectrum. No wonder her reaction had been so extreme.

His wallowing was cut short by someone clearing their throat.

He squinted at the door- Darcy Lewis was standing there holds a tub of ice cream and two spoons.

In a flash and a wince, he was off the bed- with a big fluffy pillow held protectively in front of his crotch.

He gulped.

"Are you here to finish me off," he squeaked.

Her eyes widened, "What? No! I brought you ice cream." She waved the tub in her hand. His treacherous mind supplied that there was a 90% chance that it would be Mint Chipped Chocolate. _Shut up, Stalker Brain!_

She dropped herself on a couch and smirked, "I even left my nut stomping shoes with Jane."

Bucky winced and went to open his mouth before she cut him off.

"You got a really great friend in Steve y'know. He was all 'knight in shining armour' to your 'damsel in distress'; he showed up with video footage that puts you off the hook."

He sighed in relief; hand flying out to catch the spoon tossed his way.

"Buuut, he's got a great big mouth too. He also confirmed what Jane and I have always suspected. You have been watching me, since a long time now," she said in a matter of fact tone, gazing straight at him.

Bucky's cheeks flamed and he broke eye contact.

"I'm sorry. I promise I'll stop. I will be nowhere near you from now on. You won't have anything to complain about," he swore reverently.

"No can't do old man. I came here to do business; can't have you running off now," she declared.

At Bucky's confused look, she snickered, "Oh you abused pumpkin, I'll help you seek justice from the actual perpetrators and in return you will join me for a crafts session. You see, I make my friends through shared experience and one on one conversation; and not peripheral lurking."

This woman.

She continued to amaze him.

He found himself smiling and nodding at her as he leaned forward to dig his spoon into the proffered ice cream. He was not wrong in guessing that it would be Mint Chipped Chocolate.


	4. Chapter 4

Tony Stark is not a coward. He is not hiding, thank you very much

He may be holed up in his snazzy panic room; but let it be noted he is NOT hiding.

Instead, he is being a very responsible adult.

The moment he saw the rather vicious drama unfold in the corridor due to Spiderling's malfunctioning (yes he was going to go with malfunctioning till his dying breath) web slinger; he grabbed the kid and stuffed him into the safe room. Now while doing so, if he had managed to lock himself in too; then he is going to maintain that he did it because the room was untested and he was worried about the kid's safety.

After all, Aunty May only allowed their play date after repeated begging- from both Peter and him; he had to return Peter back in one piece- singed eyebrows aside. He was in no way scared of Ice Candy Beta. Now, Darcy Lewis was a totally another matter. Her heels of retribution had had him cupping his crotch protectively all the way to the safe room. He did have some amount of self-preservation after all- only against capable, badass women. And this woman was after all- The One Who Tased The God Of Thunder!

Peter- the poor little naïve baby lamb however, was not aware how the big bag world worked. He was all for walking out in the open, into the war zone and explaining the whole misunderstanding to the emasculated Frost Stick and Darcy. Perhaps he was hoping to save Ice Baby from agony and thereby elevating his position in Steve's eye.

That boy! He was a worse fanboy than Agent! Tony had made him a new suit, so many cool new toys, helped him with his homework; but nooooo it was Captain TightAss that got Peter Parker's spidey senses all tingled up! But Tony Stark was nothing if not magnanimous. He would keep his mouth shut and continue to defend the clueless boy from certain Death- by- Darcy. Without the perpetrators and evidence-

Oh Shit! In his hurry to safety, he never erased the security feed! This never happened before. He was a firm believer that you did not do it unless you get caught. Damn, he must be getting old! Oh they were dead, so very very dead. Poor Pepper, she would be a widow before the wedding. Not that he had proposed yet. But he had the ring, the gift (new shoes… Oh the irony), the speech all ready to go- he just had to man up and propose.

But now… Well, at least his Will was all up to date.

He cast his eyes to the ceiling where Peter was hanging from. Such a naïve little boy. So carefree, so innocent. He had no idea of the shit storm that they were in. Did he really believe that just because they were in a sealed room, they would be safe from that Yeti and Darcy? Huh, maybe ignorance is bliss after all. Maybe he should let Peter live in denial for the last few minutes of his life. Because once that blasted security feed was out in the open, it would be pest swatting season in the Avengers Facility.

Suddenly, soundlessly, out of nowhere the panic room door simply disappeared.

Huh, Tony thought: so this is the end. No bang, only a whimper. And from the space where the door once stood; there emerged Steve Rogers grinning like a maniac and Dr. Jane Foster banishing her- now that he realised- Wonky Homemade Portable Wormhole Generator.

Oh! they were so FUCKED!


	5. Chapter 5

"COOOOOL!"

Tony was so done! They were going to die here.

Dr Jane Foster, with a devilish gleam in her eye and homemade weapon in hand had come to destroy them.

Oh! Look she even brought them their very own Star Spangled Pallbearer; and all Peter had to say was _cool_?

To think he was going to fling himself at them and cry, "Run Peter, save yourself!"

Nope! Change of plans. Mini Arachnid can go fend for himself. He was too old for this shit.

He flopped down on the ground and drawled, "Do I get any last request before you blast me into oblivion, Dr Foster?"

"Blast you? Why will they blast you? Mr Stark, It was all a big misunderstanding. We only have to apologise. I told you we don't have to hide out. Darcy is cool and I am sure Sargent Barnes will also understand too," Peter said as he crawled down the wall to investigated Jane's weapon.

"This is so cool Dr Foster- and that demo- wow! Did you add extra features to it? Coz' I'm pretty sure the last we met you said you were going to use to generate controlled wormholes? I never thought it would be ready so soon. So what all can it do? I mean, that was matter disintegration, right? That's pretty neat too. You never know when you might need to break down stuff. It's going to be a great help for clearing up debris and waste," he blabbered on.

"Peter," Jane interjected sweetly once the kid stopped for a breath, "You know what I like about you? You are always so eager to learn. Why yes indeed. This is my wormhole generator. It's still a bit wonky; and well it's definitely not working the way it was intended to. But you know fiddling with it, Steve and I managed to stabilize it to disintegrate matter and I am so glad it worked; and that you enjoyed the demonstration."

"Did your mother never teach you not to play with your food, Foster?" Tony interrupted.

"Come on Tony. Don't be a wet blanket. Jane's a real swell teacher. You won't believe how much I learnt from her in the past few hours. Now I really understand your passion for science and why you find it so irresistible," smirked Steve as he went and hoisted Tony into a fireman's carry.

"Hey!" yelped Tony and flailed his arms as he tried to squirm vigorously from his rather uncomfortable perch. "Put me down! This is assault!"

SMACK!

"Did you just smack my ass Rogers?" Tony squeaked incredulously.

"You were moving," came the bland reply.

"MY ASS! My derrière! It's got Property of Potts stamped across it! No one touches that ass but my Pepper!"

"I'll make sure to direct my apologies to Ms Potts then. You know what, I'll even get her those flowers she loves- Black Violas- I believe. Now stop fidgeting. I don't think your old bones will like it if I drop you."

"OLD!? Who are you calling old? You, you fossilized nonagenarian ! Wait! Wait, where are you taking me? Stop!" Tony's yells were muffled as Steve walked out the door and down the corridor whistling a jaunty tune.

Peter looked at Jane and asked, "Exactly how much of a trouble am I in? I mean, I was going to go tell Darcy what happened. She's pretty cool right, she would have understood. But Mr Stark said it was better to stay away for a while. Captain America is not going to hurt him right? It was all an accident- an honest mistake."

Peter stared at Jane with his big wide eyes. For a moment, it got to her that he was still a kid trying to make his place in the big league. He had so much to learn. She wondered if they were going too far with what they had planned. But that thought disappeared as soon as it had emerged. If the boy wanted to be in the big league, he needed to own up his mistakes, make amends.

"It's really nice to have at least one of you taking responsibility. But you do need to make your apologies Peter," Jane smiled as she held out her hand, wriggling her fingers at him. "Shall we get a head start at it?"

Peter sighed in relief. He was not going the get tossed like a sack of potatoes, or get acquainted with any of Dr Foster's devilish ideas. Darcy was cool. She would understand. And Sargent Barnes, he was sure would not hurt him- Captain America would not let him. He took her hand, "I still like your matter disintegrating wormhole generator though."

"I'm glad you do. I always wanted to make an entrance," Jane replied cheerfully.


End file.
